There is nothing quite as irksome as the self-satisfied dating advice of the happily married doled out to people who have yet to find a spouse. Yet, some of the single people of the world ask for it, and, as they say, be careful what you wish for.
Some thoughts:
Be sincere. This is not a personal slight against any particular unmarried people, but rather an observation of our current society at large. People generally seem to present an air of ironic smugness when interacting with the world. We are very quick to list off what we do not like and the type of person we definitely will not be. But when it comes to the people, places, and ideas we sincerely hold dear, we have little to offer. Maybe it’s the thousand voices in our heads retained from harsh and constant internet criticism that makes us reluctant ever confidently to proclaim our true loves. It is worth the risk, though. If you want to be married and have children while following Jesus as the Lord of your life, state that outright and you’re more likely to find similarly sincere people. Don’t wear it as a badge of honor and harangue everyone with your deepest desires, but to friends and close acquaintances speak the truth boldly.
Consider virtue. This point comes with caveats. Attraction is such that thinking practically becomes unlikely once you’ve made contact, physical or metaphorical. Many happy and successful marriages appeared at first totally impractical. Nonetheless, as near to the onset as possible, evaluating character is important: is this a virtuous person? Rather than think vaguely, pay attention to specifics of word and deed. Those who proclaim loudly their own virtue or present the most zealous religious outfitting can be those with serious inner turmoil over conduct that does not match their ideals.
No one is perfect, and you should not be too fast in writing people off, but the habits and orderliness (or lack thereof) of a person usually stay with him throughout life.
Think practically. Could this man provide for a family? He may sincerely (see above) want to be a rad Catholic guitarist on the praise and worship set but that is a hobby and not a profession with which you feed and shelter a family. She may refuse ever to step back from professional pursuits to be with young children in daily life, which will objectively make life more difficult for the family. Unless the man happens to be that rare breed willing and able to become a stay-at-home Dad (the SAHD who is hopefully not sad). It’s all a bit messy, but worth thinking through. And if he is the man pursuing a career that can support a family with a single income, and she is simply waiting for the opportunity to bear children and teach them in the home, these practical consideration can get a lot of negotiating out of the way.
Perhaps the reason online dating can quickly be successful for the mature and level-headed is the filtering on practical grounds that can occur.
Employ the old “going steady.” Sincere and confident men are still willing to steer the ship. Some even return to the outdated dating concept of “going steady” to clear things up. If you find such a man or are such a man: Bravo. No need for the DTR (define the relationship) talk initiated by a confused and heartsick lady; with “going steady” everyone is clear where you stand. Going steady means that dating has progressed beyond an occasional coffee date or concert together to exclusively dating.
Find real fun. In our upside down world, dating for “fun” means anything but. It generally implies picking people for the most shallow and idiotic reasons and then spreading around venereal diseases while ignoring eternity and what you ultimately desire in life. Why that is called “fun” is anyone’s guess. On the other hand, a valid criticism of the idea that you shouldn’t “date for fun” is that people who are dating aren’t having any real fun, which is part of what makes serious dating such a disaster. If you are not whole, healthy, and enjoying life, dating will only expand your personal misery to include another. To have real fun with another, try having real fun first.
Keep active and avoid isolation. This isn’t a Jane Austen novel and there is no chaperone in sight. In the casual world of constant athleisure, television at any time of day, and an obsession with carnal gratification, there is so much time and space to overcommit to a young relationship. Holing up to moon over your deep and meaningful love absent any real commitment and responsibility is a hazardous business. College students should not spend their time naming pretend future children and avoiding activity and employment to sit about in sweatpants reveling in “true love.” Activity and the presence of other people are a good antidote to such foolishness. This isn’t about the failure of purity culture but simply ensuring the good use of time and energy.
Take a second look. Many happily married people attest that their spouse was not the one who immediately caught their eye. Women who may not be what a man finds conventionally attractive may reveal great personal beauty that sustains a lifetime of marriage. Men who appear at first blush boring and overly serious can be a steady companion in the storms of life if a woman is wise enough to recognize his character and not be distracted by flashiness.
Forget all of this. The most important advice of all: Ignore all advice. We cannot artificially cling to scripts and stratagems to live real life. There are subtle ways our clinging to desired results prevents their coming to be. The more we desire to be happily married often the less likely we are to find an eligible spouse who desires to marry us. This is not meant to hurt anyone’s feelings; it is simply the way of the world. The more we cling to a desire for a date, a proposal, a baby, the less we engage in the attitude and action most likely to bring the result we so desire.
St. Raphael, pray for us!
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