“But perhaps Rockingham with his love of Victoriana also enjoyed cooking, for I had observed that men did not usually do things unless they liked doing them.”
- Barbara Pym, “Excellent Women”
Is there a more soothing companion for the evening kitchen tidy than Jane Entwistle reading one of the darkly humorously domestic novels of Barbara Pym? There is not. You will feel valorized in your pan scrubbing and floor sweeping whilst listening to the calm, steady voice of a British lady reading “Excellent Women.” Entwistle succeeds in perfectly giving voice to the modest narrator, Mildred Lathbury, clergyman’s daughter, spinster in her 30s of the lean post-war years.
A wickedly funny comedy of manners, the book details the daily shopping, washing, visiting, and volunteering of Miss Lathbury amid a cast of characters with unforgettable names like Rockingham Napier, Julian Malory, Everard Bone, and Allegra Gray.
The title, “Excellent Women,” was taken from Jane Austen’s unfinished novel “Sanditon,” and one can see remarkable parallels in observational ability and wit between Pym and Austen.
Mildred is a keen observer with a sense of her place in society and the eccentricity that surrounds her. Her realism is refreshing. Her quaint and churchy commentary on her progressive and unbelieving new neighbors, anthropologist Helena Napier and her husband Rockingham, is delightful. She is shocked to learn that Helena is too busy to keep a clean house, take care of the wash, or make the meals. When Helena tells Mildred that “Rocky” does the cooking, a scandalized Mildred thinks, “But perhaps Rockingham with his love of Victoriana also enjoyed cooking, for I had observed that men did not usually do things unless they liked doing them.”
How true. If only modern women would take notice. It’s not always misogyny and oppression. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of personal preference and a tolerance for confrontation.
The examples of misogyny that people will tell you still exist—told always with great earnestness—include such infractions as expecting female faculty to act as secretary at department meetings. How is this expectation conveyed? Nonverbally and indirectly. The outrage and oppression of it all!
For example, in an anecdote conveyed from a male-heavy faculty meeting, attendees passed around the list to sign up to act as notetaker for upcoming meetings. The men passed the list along with barely a downward glance. The women, with bitterness festering in their bosoms, dutifully scribbled down their names, perhaps for multiple meetings on the empty list, and ground their teeth in irritation at the disrespect.
But was it disrespect? The men were perhaps much more interested in avoiding what they did not want to do than making any kind of assumption about what the female professors “should” be doing.
The casual and impulsive decision not to sign up is a throwing down of the gauntlet, a refusal to submit. If left unchecked such displays of unprovoked machismo can be destructive. Ordinary men, however, have mothers, wives, and sisters. They are not mere brutes banging their fists on hairy chests and looking for fights. More importantly than the influence of the women in the lives of such men is the presence of other virtuous men. Competition in the male species can encourage the development of what used to be called “men for others.” If a gunman entered that faculty meeting, any man worth his mettle would stand willingly in the face of certain death to shield the women in the room. Taking notes about the minutia of faculty infighting and upcoming events? It just does not seem necessary to some.
If we suppress the male nature, it will not disappear. Without the nurturing of the whole man, the competitive, non-compliant man still exists beneath the surface. Sadly, he may find expression on a lifeboat of young, able-bodied men sailing to safety and away from a sinking ship full of women and children. Too much demanding of radical equality may result in us actually achieving it.
And what if the women want to refuse the degrading secretarial work? Young professional women become irritated hearing about men in the office who flout frivolous regulations and extra requirements. There are, of course, some women who boldly chart their own course in group settings, but often a certain type of man is the one causing angst for the matronly office manager. The woman hearing of how a man does not comply may burst out, “Must be nice!”
I’m sure it is sometimes, but it is not without consequences. Anyone can refuse certain tasks or procedures that seem excessively burdensome and unnecessary. However, that person will face the ire of the rule enforcers and the ostracization of one’s rule-following colleagues. That’s an uncomfortable and lonely place to be.
What happens when the list of volunteer secretaries is returned blank? When confronted with the question of who will fill the role and why no one has stepped up, most people will not be comfortable standing their ground and will regret entering into the conflict to begin with. This is not a bad quality of amiability. The personality of most women—and some men—is a stabilizing force that smooths over conflict and makes the engine of civilization hum along.
When Mildred, weary from interpersonal conflict and endless negotiations for the latest jumble sale and church event becomes exasperated with the endless serving of tea, she realizes she has overstepped curtesy. When the women make a show of fixing tea at the slightest provocation and struggle to carry the urn with much grumbling about the men in the room not helping, Pym writes through the eyes of Mildred:
“Perhaps there can be too much making of cups of tea, I thought, as I watched Miss Statham filling the heavy teapot. Did we really need a cup of tea? I even said as much to Miss Statham and she looked at me with a hurt, almost angry look, ‘Do we need tea? she echoed. ‘But Miss Lathbury…’ She sounded puzzled and distressed and I began to realise that my question had struck at something deep and fundamental. It was the kind of question that starts a landslide in the mind. I mumbled something about making a joke and that of course one needed tea always, at every hour of the day or night.”
As much as Mildred berates herself for always being ready with a cup of tea in any crisis, it is a great comfort for the one in distress to find a woman with creature comfort to offer. The impulse of many women to cook the meals, take the notes, and make the tea is not a form of oppression. The worn down and tired out woman, however, would do well to realize that the revolutions of the Earth do not depend on her running of the annual neighborhood garage sale and she can, in fact, choose not to take the notes.
There are often inherent differences between men and women, and they complement each other. We need not interpret all interactions through a lens of competition in a zero-sum game. Look at the beautiful domestic scene that arises from men being men and women being women—of course, with variation and differences—should remind us that recognizing equal dignity is not the same as treating everyone exactly the same.
But, more importantly, you must spend some time with Barbara Pym if you have not yet been acquainted.
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