There are some topics you might write about that are likely to evoke strong reactions. Among these topics are how to find a spouse and what to do with a spouse once you have one. Thankfully, the reactions to the latter musings on married happiness, published over at Crisis, were received congenially by everyone who cared to respond. If you have hate mail brewing on this subject, kindly submit through the information found here.
The most enthusiastic responses by far came from married women in the second half of life. Far from questioning or qualifying the conjecture of a relatively inexperienced woman, they were quick to affirm strongly the principles laid out. They made it clear that 40 years in they remain, ahem, active. And very happy about it! Many hasten to add that their husband are very satisfied as well, in case there was any doubt (there wasn’t).
For anyone who has experienced the discomfort of gray-haired women waxing poetic about the intimate side of their married life, maybe it’s time we reevaluate our squeamishness and take to heart the message of happily married people. As Tolstoy observed, “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” It seems virtually all ordinary married couples who are very happy have some things in common, including no shortage of continual knowing in the Biblical sense. The email feedback suggests, it really is true: If you want to be happy, be available to your spouse.
There is nothing detailed or shocking in what the women say. The white-haired lady at church who stunned a group of young women, many of whom are friends with her adult married daughter who was also present, with her enthusiastic encouragement for ongoing and continual marital intimacy is an otherwise demure and dignified lady. We should consider that the source of the loudest calls to be physically intimate with your spouse more are from the very last people you would ever expect to utter a word in public on the subject.
Maybe they are speaking up because it matters. An overflow of love and joy could reasonably result in spontaneous advice-giving that may seem shockingly out of character. Rather than dismiss it, we might want to pay closer attention.
Consider: our culture is obsessed with celebrities whose surgically altered rearends morph constantly to match the commercial industries of human flesh that consume countless hours and dollars and destroy countless families. Escorts and porn stars are now considered legitimate members of society whose opinions are to be valued and whose professions should be lauded. In all these arenas, “hotness” and youth hold currency.
In this same culture, aging women who have likely born several children could be cast aside. Many women speak of the moment they realized they no longer attract looks in public. A woman who is not attractive in some striking manner does not become neutral but almost invisible. That is, except to those who know her.
A husband may initially be attracted in part by youth and beauty, but, as the Good Book says, those do fade. If a husband and wife seek continually to know each other in the full sense of the term, aging is not the end of passion but an opportunity for it to deepen and unfold. The women who emailed and the wife who spoke up and made half the room blush are not forgotten or cast aside. Instead, as they age—not despite their aging but as a consequence of time invested over a long horizon—they are deeply cherished, treasured, and loved by their husbands, precisely for who they are. What a hopeful sign for a culture that has gotten all bungled up on questions of human sexuality.
Statistics suggest that something like a quarter of women are on anti-depressants. That’s astonishing. Overhearing conversations at the playground will suggest many marriages are sexless and quite miserable. Don’t try to reinvent the wheel; do what happy people have done!
There are no guarantees in life, but you could do worse than to stack the odds in your favor. And your husband’s.
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