If you publicly advocate for marrying people you meet in college and spend most of your time singing the praises of motherhood, perhaps it’s natural to get the question: “How do I find a spouse?” The question comes from single men and women past the comfortable stage of early 20s in which being unmarried is no cause for great concern. The question also comes from concerned parents who want to see their children married.
There is a lot of handwringing about the postmodern dating scene, and it is not unwarranted. Almost a full two decades ago, we had already reached a cultural decline in which ostensibly well-educated young men from stable families would tell you with a straight face that watching titillating explicit content beamed through the dark corners of the internet on a daily basis was an ordinary and expected form of daily hygiene, no different from brushing one’s teeth.
To predict that such young men might struggle to maintain healthy intimate relationships in adulthood was to state the obvious, and now we reap the sad results. There are unseen casualties all around us, a bit like the generation of women in Europe deprived of potential husbands by the carnage of World War I. If the stories of people in the field are to be believed, the intervening decades of unfiltered feminism have brought us equal opportunity degeneracy and women are now in increasing numbers, also pornography-addled pseudo-adults. Of course, people deformed by such content can, by the grace of God and the assistance of wise counsel, overcome these difficulties, but a healthy single person does not for obvious reasons want intentionally to yoke herself to someone who is dead inside. The pickings are, needless to say, slim for both genders, though perhaps even slimmer for women than men.
The first step is to realize it’s not hopeless. There are enclaves of happy and healthy couples each of which found each other, made a commitment, and are actively striving to live up to it. If they have succeeded thus far, anxious singles and parents of adult children should focus more on what those couples have done and less on fretting about the challenges of a social landscape decimated by dating apps.
Having thought about the question raised by several people in recent months, I attempt here to offer a few strategies I’ve seen yield success with friends and acquaintances. Add these to the previously provided reams of solicited advice.
Live the way you want to live as much as you can in your current state of life. Many full-time jobs bleed into your free time and make it very hard to meet people other than the ones you work with. Young professionals bemoan that they do nothing beyond working and going home at the end of the day to eat and prepare for work the next day. Or, even better, the progressive work places that offer—so generously—to pay for dinner if underling employees work past 8PM. In such scenarios, even eating takes place at work with coworkers.
If you have some flexibility in your work schedule, spend time in prayer (several people have told me they discerned their vocation, whether to marriage or religious life in adoration…and pray for your future spouse!), make yourself available to people who need help (mothers overwhelmed with young children, elderly people: both great sources of perspective and life advice), and cultivate a life of the mind, interesting hobbies, etc. Easier said than done, but the more you are focused on connecting with other people and living an active life, the less you will worry about if and when you’ll meet someone and the more attractive you will be when someone does come along.
Avoid the trap of predominantly singles groups. Religious people tend to congregate by age and life stage. Singles groups in churches abound. Bringing people of faith who want to get married together seems like a wonderful plan until you notice how few marriages result from many of these groups.
While many are sincere people striving for holiness, there can be a tendency to commiserate in the challenges of modern dating and a temptation to stay in the current state of life. Change is uncomfortable. If people have been single for many years, that is where they are comfortable. It’s frustrating to see friends date for an extended period of time and decide they “just want to be friends.”
People who are decisive when dating find a spouse, not friends. Many men and women have good qualities but are hampered by immaturity and vice; these are “friend” material. Men who are ready to get married will make that clear. Unfortunately, men like that are no longer a dime a dozen.
Women who are ready to marry should display a becoming sense of charm and willingness to be agreeable in everything except sin, and the results may very well take care of themselves. This does not mean, as the shrieking angry feminist will spit at you, that she is compromising her integrity and personhood. Being agreeable is a pleasant way to exist and a good foundation for a happy marriage, not an act of self-immolation. If a woman is so deeply unhappy she cannot tolerate other people having contrary opinions or not being in control of every aspect of her daily life, she has work to do before thinking of marriage.
Where do you find eligible singles?
Spending time with outgoing married couples is a surefire way to get set up on blind dates. Happily married people like nothing more than making a successful match. Not everyone is skilled in the art of matchmaking, but pay attention and you will find couples who have successfully set up many fruitful marriages. Have dinner at their house.
If agitated singles approach the world with a conviction that the odds are stacked against them and healthy dating is impossible, they are likely to find this to be true. A positive development of the decline of culture is that those who are virtuous stand out all the more. Find the people who are admirable and live the way they do.
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