Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them.
-Rule Number 5, Jordan Peterson’s “12 Rules for Life”
The likeability—or not—of one’s offspring can be a distressing question. Some children are so inclined to whining and habits that annoy, it seems unfair to consider the status of things. Even if they are difficult, what’s the point of observing it when there is no possibility of change? But this in itself is not a neutral observation but an attitude that determines our own behavior toward our kids.
We live in a culture that does not encourage having children or raising them well. It’s easy to assume that the noise and disorder swirling about your family is simply unavoidable. For a time, it probably is. There is no convincing a wee baby not to wail, and a two-year-old with a strong will cannot be put off a tantrum, however much redirection and boundary-setting you enact.
Peterson’s point, if memory serves, is not that you should expect to manipulate your child into being supremely docile and likeable—docility is not really Peterson’s brand. Rather, his point is that the parents are the most invested and loving people to enforce societal expectations. If they do not convey to children within the context of home and family life what people do and do not appreciate, life can be unnecessarily difficult.
The ever-eccentric psychologist and commentator Dr. Ray Guarendi has a similar insight. He writes memorably, “If a parent disciplines weakly today, the world will discipline strongly tomorrow.” What may seem simply annoying in a child (moodiness, talking back, slovenliness) can become antisocial traits in an adult which exact a much higher price.
Peterson memorably gives the example of the child in the airport who followed his parents loudly protesting. The parents, walking across the length of the terminal, ignored the loud outbursts from the child. From the description, it seems this was not a very young child who cannot be expected to control himself in a public setting. The example does feel a bit unfair; the airport brings out the worst even in some adults with the drain of traveling and coping with unexpected changes.
That said, regardless of what contributed to the situation, no one else waiting in the airport wants to listen to the bellowing of a discontented child. There is a good chance, the child can find something more constructive to do, but he is unlikely to come up with it on his own, especially in such a state of emotional dysregulation. Who better to guide the child into more socially acceptable behavior than the parents who unconditionally love him? If the parents chose not to intervene, life will make societal expectations apparent in a harsh and uncompromising manner.
Unlikable children cannot help themselves. Parents can do much to discourage what is irritating to others and encourage likability. This isn’t some erasure of a child’s personhood or stifling strictures that prevent free expression. Rather, the parents task is a bit like that of a jeweler polishing a gem. The goal is not to remake the child but simply to let the beauty of the child shine forth.
